TGIF: The Next Chapter

The two little brother New York teams are shuffling things up. The .500 Nets fired Avery Johnson yesterday, a move that most blame on Deron Williams, who is believed to have forced the retirement of Jazz legend Jerry Sloan and had complained recently about Johnson's offense. Deron was reportedly much happier back when this was taken:

from Belinda

Same for this guy:

Doubtful to get another coaching job soon, Avery Johnson will head back to the world where he is not shorter than everyone he works with and will not, presumably, receive head rubs at work:

from CJ Fogler

Bill Simmons suggested that Deron's latest power play will cause him a lot more headaches from New York and national media than he gambled, a "rude awakening" that could feel something like this:

from Gifrific

It's all but official that the Jets will be moving on from Tim Tebow next year.

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Our Christmas Gift To You

We have a strong feeling that Heaven's bakery...is opening...for you...this Christmas...sister.

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All I Want for Christmas

from IMDB

After receiving a giant bag of pistachios from my mother-in-law, I'm almost set for this year. The only Christmas wish I have left is for a family-friendly version of A Hobo's Christmas to be released. You see, I watch a lot of terrible movies. The kind of stuff that has no reservations at the library. But Christian reviewers over at The Dove Foundation don't give this schmaltzy-looking flick their family seal of approval. Their notes:

Language: D*mn You-1Violence: Men yelling at each other.Drugs: Beer in soup.Nudity: Man in long johns.Other: Discussion regarding death of man's wife; loss of job and leaving family behind.

Obviously, my powers of discernment prohibit me from viewing it (no way is my wife seeing another man in long johns). If only a legally or illegally censored version would hit the shelves a quarter century post-release, my family would be able to safely view a predictable tale of homelessness and forgiveness this holiday season. I'm not asking to win the War on Christmas, just this one battle–please pray.

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Christmas Simplified

I wanted to share this thing that totally makes sense and is right.

from Godly Woman Daily

So, in the midst of the hustle and bustle between those last shopping trips and meal preparations and family visits, just take a moment and think to yourself, "Christ gave Himself as a Reward so that Individual know the Sacrifices That he did for Mankind to Achieve the gift of Salvation." You shouldn't need to write it down.

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Football Fantasia - Week 16 Recap

Most leagues were either decided this week or will be the next, meaning pairs of dudes are obsessing over something the rest of their friends quit paying attention to long ago. Don't feel lonely–The Christianado cares about your (fake) first or second place finish!

Sweet Music

Dez Bryant is, finally, The Real Deal. His 34 points rocked a lot of fantasy results this week, and a long string of consistency going back to week 10 ensures he will be drafted as a #1 WR next year.

Tony Romo–the chicken to Bryant's egg–came through with 32 points against that lowly Eagles defense, something Josh Freeman couldn't pull off last week. Romo is perpetually underrated, and will continue to be unless the 'Boys win the Superbowl this year.

Jamaal Charles bounced back with his fourth 140+ yardage game of the season, although this came after sinking a lot of teams last week. Maybe, just maybe, whoever coaches the Chiefs next year should commit to giving Charles 15+ carries every week. He tends to produce.

Nutcrackers

Arian Foster, Mr. 100 Yards or a Touchdown, scored zero fantasy points due to an irregular heartbeat (yikes) slowing and ultimately ending his day. Common sense alert: blame this one on the randomness of fantasy and injury, not Foster. His hatred of fantasy is being justified as we speak by predictably insensitive reactions.

If you were still counting on Victor Cruz or Hakeem Nicks after last week's 6-catch, 55-yard combo, they made you pay with a 3-catch, 21-yard combined effort this week. You know, because the Giants desperately needed a win and faced a shoddy pass defense.

Frank Gore ran into the Seattle buzz saw (2 points), and Beanie Wells proved me right with 3 more yards than fumbles. Matt Schaub (7), Mike Wallace (1), and Tony Gonzalez (zip) also brought some smiles to opponents' faces this week.

Prophesy

Ride your horses. Unless you have Matt Forte or Trent Richardson–the only stud performers likely to miss their next game from a week 16 injury–you can pretty much ignore the waiver wire this week. You are just as likely to do something regrettable as you are to pull off a genius (read: lucky) move at season's absolute end. 

All points figured with ESPN standard scoring.

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TGIF - In Case You Missed It

Each Friday, The Christianado will help you trade in GIFs, the online world's least precious commodity. This week, we're catching you up on some of 2012's most important releases.

This is a microcosm of the Jets' season. Who knows--maybe it's onward and upward for New York's worst football team now that the savior Tim Tebow Greg McElroy is starting.

This was the biggest cross-cultural event of the year: Gangnam Style. Thanks so much, cross cultures.

Gronk is one of our personal favorites here at Christianado, not mainly for his on-field antics. We empathize with the clapper 100%.

This is Andy Sandberg doing his Nick Cage. It is beautiful. My wife's quest to watch every Nick Cage movie ever made stopped before we got married. Good thing.

This is Dwight Howard breaking a rule emphatically so that hopefully no one will notice. I am not saying this is the best Lakers or even D-12 gif out there, I just feel like as a community we should never forget how horribly the Lakers under-performed in 2012.

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Ants and Typewriters

While the Steve Jobses and Ray Kurzweils and Jeff Bezoses of the world have prophesied and profited from technological advances with startling accuracy, a biologist with some insight into the human race made some observations back in 1974 that apply to our scene. The following nuggets come from Lewis Thomas's The Lives of a Cell: Notes of a Biology Watcher:

“Given any new technology for transmitting information, we seem bound to use it for great quantities of small talk.”

“We are only saved by music from being overwhelmed by nonsense.”

In the book, Thomas draws interesting comparisons between the types of language employed by humans and other species. The most intriguing is that of the ant colony, where the (blind) social insects transmit masses of information through sound, touch, and primarily smell.

The word-driven basis of our creaturely communication is, I think, to credit or blame for the way our technologies have and will be used. Why are text messages more popular than video chats? Why is Instagram its own network, when Twitter and Facebook carry the same functionality? While the contents of the latest gizmos and medias will continue to change rapidly, the functional needs and desires of the users are similar to those that have unrolled papyrus and pushed carriage returns.

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Football Fantasia: Week 15 Recap

If you read fantasy football content such as this online, odds are you’re an obsessive degenerate that has sold out your family, friends, and job to gain the edge needed to still be participating in this fake competition. Congrats, winning loser! Here are some of the performances that mattered this week.

Sweet Music

Drew Brees threw for 300+ yards and 4 TDs, which is pretty okay. Andre Johnson (11 catches, 151 yards, 1 TD) is removing doubts about his elite status. Aaron Hernandez is loving life without Gronk, reaching three-week totals of 26 catches, 247 yards, and 3 TDs. Both Eric Decker (19 points) and Michael Crabtree (22) came through for roughly 50% of owners that rolled with them. Russell Wilson (39) really did wonders, but likely on your bench (10% start rate).

And then there was Adrian Peterson. He’s going to break the total rushing yardage record. His knee was absolutely shredded last December 24^th. Less than 9 months later, he was the third-highest RB scorer in week 1, and has topped the leader board all year. This, despite having Minnesota’s 32^nd ranked pass offense (not) taking the attention away from him. He ran for 212 yards and a touchdown on Sunday, less than a year removed from shredding his knee. He is going to break the rushing record, one year and six days after shredding his knee. Adrian. Peterson.

Nutcrackers

Wow, did some dudes come up small this week.

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