Please scurry over to thechristianado.com to check out our new home. This spot will only be an archive of old posts until we get them all migrated over.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
TGIF: JaVale McGee, and Everyone Else
We have some good GIFs to look at, but JaVale McGee is in his own league this week:
Backstory: McGee threw a one-handed alley-oop to himself off the backboard during a Nuggets/Rockets game on Wednesday. I think these things were running through his head during the initial frightening expression:
Am I in trouble? It went in...we're not losing in a blowout...I didn't get called for a goaltend...coach is smiling...Sweet! Time for Pierre!
If you aren't up on Mr. McGee, I suggest you take my #FF advice and acclimate yourself. Anyway, this is the greatest.
Did you hear about Lance Armstrong?
I missed the Oprah interview, but here's a recap:
We mentioned Hakeem Olajuwon getting dunked on in this week's podcast.
That was an uncommon occurance. It was usually more like this:
President Obama was inaugurated for his second term.
His daughters are discovering how easily they can steal the show. Evidence:
And the Patriots lost.
Ray Lewis and Tom Brady have...uh...different emotional approaches:
 |
| from Hey Belinda |
Am I in trouble? It went in...we're not losing in a blowout...I didn't get called for a goaltend...coach is smiling...Sweet! Time for Pierre!
If you aren't up on Mr. McGee, I suggest you take my #FF advice and acclimate yourself. Anyway, this is the greatest.
Did you hear about Lance Armstrong?
I missed the Oprah interview, but here's a recap:
We mentioned Hakeem Olajuwon getting dunked on in this week's podcast.
That was an uncommon occurance. It was usually more like this:
President Obama was inaugurated for his second term.
His daughters are discovering how easily they can steal the show. Evidence:
 |
| from Gifrific |
And the Patriots lost.
Ray Lewis and Tom Brady have...uh...different emotional approaches:
 |
| from Gawker |
 |
| from Scott Johnson |
Friday, January 11, 2013
TGIF - Royal Updates
Justin Bieber, the closest thing to royalty on our side of the pond, was allegedly photographed allegedly smoking
maryjane. Fans (Beriefers?) are… upset.
In less scandalous news, Queen Elizabeth made an official decree this week stating
that if the eldest child of William and Kate is a female, she can be called
“Princess.” Until now, the only way a female could be the heir is if her father
had no sons, which is how Elizabeth became Queen. So this undermines almost a
century of primogeniture. It’s a big deal and the Royals are celebrating!
 |
| from Know Your Meme |
 |
| from i ruv u |
 |
| from Gifbin |
Friday, January 4, 2013
TGIF: College Bowl Season
 |
| from bigleadsports |
 |
| from Gifulmination |
 |
| from CJ Fogler |
 |
| from Gifulmination |
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Football Fantasia: Week 17 Recap
You probably don't care about the details much now that the season is over. You have won or lost, and are either being smug or sulking with your friends as we speak. Rather than do a typical rundown of the week's performances, here are some closing thoughts on the season.
1. I love it, but fantasy football is stupid. You know how NBA statisticians adjust scoring and defense for the pace of the game? And how baseball sabermetricians downplay pitchers' wins and losses in favor of performative measures like, uh, how well they pitched? Well fantasy football is in no-man's land, rewarding players for relatively unspectacular performances (i.e. Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing meaningless touchdowns) and for conduct detrimental to the team (i.e. Tony Romo getting more desperation yardage and scores after burying the Cowboys with a couple pick-sixes). It was a good thing for Drew Brees' fantasy owners that the 7-9 Saints had such a miserable defense this year. I know there are fantasy wins that result from actual quality on the field, but let's pretend otherwise since my team came up short in the championship. You can too.
2. You should listen to me next year. Why? Because I just asserted it, first of all. Secondly, fantasy is fairly random, and its analysis very redundant. Odds are I get some right and some wrong and how well you notice either will depend on how your team did. My preseason picks for top fantasy players all hit the #1 or #2 spot at their position, save for LeSean McCoy (#21 RB, ouch) and Julio Jones (#9 WR, at about 2.5 points per game less than top dog Calvin Johnson). Notable predictions included Julio moving past teammate Roddy White in production, Tom Brady staying healthy thanks to his tendency to duck invisible defenders, and DOUG MARTIN! Pretty good, right? Yeah, except for the following: a couple random touchdown switcheroos would have White back in front of Jones, my love for the Patriots was due to a perception that Josh McDaniels' return would have seismic a impact on the offense (it did, just for the running game), and Doug Martin was no secret since there are no secrets anymore. I also said this about Martin:
1. I love it, but fantasy football is stupid. You know how NBA statisticians adjust scoring and defense for the pace of the game? And how baseball sabermetricians downplay pitchers' wins and losses in favor of performative measures like, uh, how well they pitched? Well fantasy football is in no-man's land, rewarding players for relatively unspectacular performances (i.e. Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing meaningless touchdowns) and for conduct detrimental to the team (i.e. Tony Romo getting more desperation yardage and scores after burying the Cowboys with a couple pick-sixes). It was a good thing for Drew Brees' fantasy owners that the 7-9 Saints had such a miserable defense this year. I know there are fantasy wins that result from actual quality on the field, but let's pretend otherwise since my team came up short in the championship. You can too.
2. You should listen to me next year. Why? Because I just asserted it, first of all. Secondly, fantasy is fairly random, and its analysis very redundant. Odds are I get some right and some wrong and how well you notice either will depend on how your team did. My preseason picks for top fantasy players all hit the #1 or #2 spot at their position, save for LeSean McCoy (#21 RB, ouch) and Julio Jones (#9 WR, at about 2.5 points per game less than top dog Calvin Johnson). Notable predictions included Julio moving past teammate Roddy White in production, Tom Brady staying healthy thanks to his tendency to duck invisible defenders, and DOUG MARTIN! Pretty good, right? Yeah, except for the following: a couple random touchdown switcheroos would have White back in front of Jones, my love for the Patriots was due to a perception that Josh McDaniels' return would have seismic a impact on the offense (it did, just for the running game), and Doug Martin was no secret since there are no secrets anymore. I also said this about Martin:
Friday, December 28, 2012
TGIF: The Next Chapter
The two little brother New York teams are shuffling things up. The .500 Nets fired Avery Johnson yesterday, a move that most blame on Deron Williams, who is believed to have forced the retirement of Jazz legend Jerry Sloan and had complained recently about Johnson's offense. Deron was reportedly much happier back when this was taken:
Doubtful to get another coaching job soon, Avery Johnson will head back to the world where he is not shorter than everyone he works with and will not, presumably, receive head rubs at work:
Bill Simmons suggested that Deron's latest power play will cause him a lot more headaches from New York and national media than he gambled, a "rude awakening" that could feel something like this:
 |
| from Belinda |
Same for this guy:
 |
| from CJ Fogler |
 |
| from Gifrific |
It's all but official that the Jets will be moving on from Tim Tebow next year.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Our Christmas Gift To You
We have a strong feeling that Heaven's bakery...is opening...for you...this Christmas...sister.
Monday, December 24, 2012
All I Want for Christmas
 |
| from IMDB |
Language: D*mn You-1Violence: Men yelling at each other.Drugs: Beer in soup.Nudity: Man in long johns.Other: Discussion regarding death of man's wife; loss of job and leaving family behind.Obviously, my powers of discernment prohibit me from viewing it (no way is my wife seeing another man in long johns). If only a legally or illegally censored version would hit the shelves a quarter century post-release, my family would be able to safely view a predictable tale of homelessness and forgiveness this holiday season. I'm not asking to win the War on Christmas, just this one battle–please pray.
Christmas Simplified
I wanted to share this thing that totally makes sense and is right.
So, in the midst of the hustle and bustle between those last shopping trips and meal preparations and family visits, just take a moment and think to yourself, "Christ gave Himself as a Reward so that Individual know the Sacrifices That he did for Mankind to Achieve the gift of Salvation." You shouldn't need to write it down.
 |
| from Godly Woman Daily |
So, in the midst of the hustle and bustle between those last shopping trips and meal preparations and family visits, just take a moment and think to yourself, "Christ gave Himself as a Reward so that Individual know the Sacrifices That he did for Mankind to Achieve the gift of Salvation." You shouldn't need to write it down.
Football Fantasia - Week 16 Recap
Most leagues were either decided this week or will be the next, meaning pairs of dudes are obsessing over something the rest of their friends quit paying attention to long ago. Don't feel lonely–The Christianado cares about your (fake) first or second place finish!
Jamaal Charles bounced back with his fourth 140+ yardage game of the season, although this came after sinking a lot of teams last week. Maybe, just maybe, whoever coaches the Chiefs next year should commit to giving Charles 15+ carries every week. He tends to produce.
Arian Foster, Mr. 100 Yards or a Touchdown, scored zero fantasy points due to an irregular heartbeat (yikes) slowing and ultimately ending his day. Common sense alert: blame this one on the randomness of fantasy and injury, not Foster. His hatred of fantasy is being justified as we speak by predictably insensitive reactions.
If you were still counting on Victor Cruz or Hakeem Nicks after last week's 6-catch, 55-yard combo, they made you pay with a 3-catch, 21-yard combined effort this week. You know, because the Giants desperately needed a win and faced a shoddy pass defense.
Frank Gore ran into the Seattle buzz saw (2 points), and Beanie Wells proved me right with 3 more yards than fumbles. Matt Schaub (7), Mike Wallace (1), and Tony Gonzalez (zip) also brought some smiles to opponents' faces this week.
All points figured with ESPN standard scoring.
Sweet Music
Dez Bryant is, finally, The Real Deal. His 34 points rocked a lot of fantasy results this week, and a long string of consistency going back to week 10 ensures he will be drafted as a #1 WR next year.
Tony Romo–the chicken to Bryant's egg–came through with 32 points against that lowly Eagles defense, something Josh Freeman couldn't pull off last week. Romo is perpetually underrated, and will continue to be unless the 'Boys win the Superbowl this year.
Tony Romo–the chicken to Bryant's egg–came through with 32 points against that lowly Eagles defense, something Josh Freeman couldn't pull off last week. Romo is perpetually underrated, and will continue to be unless the 'Boys win the Superbowl this year.
Jamaal Charles bounced back with his fourth 140+ yardage game of the season, although this came after sinking a lot of teams last week. Maybe, just maybe, whoever coaches the Chiefs next year should commit to giving Charles 15+ carries every week. He tends to produce.
Nutcrackers
Arian Foster, Mr. 100 Yards or a Touchdown, scored zero fantasy points due to an irregular heartbeat (yikes) slowing and ultimately ending his day. Common sense alert: blame this one on the randomness of fantasy and injury, not Foster. His hatred of fantasy is being justified as we speak by predictably insensitive reactions.
If you were still counting on Victor Cruz or Hakeem Nicks after last week's 6-catch, 55-yard combo, they made you pay with a 3-catch, 21-yard combined effort this week. You know, because the Giants desperately needed a win and faced a shoddy pass defense.
Frank Gore ran into the Seattle buzz saw (2 points), and Beanie Wells proved me right with 3 more yards than fumbles. Matt Schaub (7), Mike Wallace (1), and Tony Gonzalez (zip) also brought some smiles to opponents' faces this week.
Prophesy
Ride your horses. Unless you have Matt Forte or Trent Richardson–the only stud performers likely to miss their next game from a week 16 injury–you can pretty much ignore the waiver wire this week. You are just as likely to do something regrettable as you are to pull off a genius (read: lucky) move at season's absolute end.
All points figured with ESPN standard scoring.
Friday, December 21, 2012
TGIF - In Case You Missed It
Each Friday, The Christianado will help you trade in GIFs, the online world's least precious commodity. This week, we're catching you up on some of 2012's most important releases.
This is a microcosm of the Jets' season. Who knows--maybe it's onward and upward for New York's worst football team now that the saviorTim Tebow Greg McElroy is starting.
This was the biggest cross-cultural event of the year: Gangnam Style. Thanks so much, cross cultures.
This is a microcosm of the Jets' season. Who knows--maybe it's onward and upward for New York's worst football team now that the savior
This was the biggest cross-cultural event of the year: Gangnam Style. Thanks so much, cross cultures.
Gronk is one of our personal favorites here at Christianado, not mainly for his on-field antics. We empathize with the clapper 100%.
This is Andy Sandberg doing his Nick Cage. It is beautiful. My wife's quest to watch every Nick Cage movie ever made stopped before we got married. Good thing.
This is Andy Sandberg doing his Nick Cage. It is beautiful. My wife's quest to watch every Nick Cage movie ever made stopped before we got married. Good thing.
This is Dwight Howard breaking a rule emphatically so that hopefully no one will notice. I am not saying this is the best Lakers or even D-12 gif out there, I just feel like as a community we should never forget how horribly the Lakers under-performed in 2012.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Ants and Typewriters
While the Steve Jobses and Ray Kurzweils and Jeff Bezoses of the world have prophesied and profited from technological advances with startling accuracy, a biologist with some insight into the human race made some observations back in 1974 that apply to our scene. The following nuggets come from Lewis Thomas's The Lives of a Cell: Notes of a Biology Watcher:
“Given any new technology for transmitting information, we seem bound to use it for great quantities of small talk.”
“We are only saved by music from being overwhelmed by nonsense.”
In the book, Thomas draws interesting comparisons between the types of language employed by humans and other species. The most intriguing is that of the ant colony, where the (blind) social insects transmit masses of information through sound, touch, and primarily smell.
The word-driven basis of our creaturely communication is, I think, to credit or blame for the way our technologies have and will be used. Why are text messages more popular than video chats? Why is Instagram its own network, when Twitter and Facebook carry the same functionality? While the contents of the latest gizmos and medias will continue to change rapidly, the functional needs and desires of the users are similar to those that have unrolled papyrus and pushed carriage returns.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Football Fantasia: Week 15 Recap
If you read fantasy football content such as this online,
odds are you’re an obsessive degenerate that has sold out your family, friends,
and job to gain the edge needed to still be participating in this fake
competition. Congrats, winning loser! Here are some of the performances that
mattered this week.
Sweet Music
Drew Brees threw for 300+ yards and 4 TDs, which is pretty
okay. Andre Johnson (11 catches, 151 yards, 1 TD) is removing doubts about his
elite status. Aaron Hernandez is loving life without Gronk, reaching three-week
totals of 26 catches, 247 yards, and 3 TDs. Both Eric Decker (19 points) and
Michael Crabtree (22) came through for roughly 50% of owners that rolled with them.
Russell Wilson (39) really did wonders, but likely on your bench (10% start
rate).
And then there was Adrian Peterson. He’s going to break the
total rushing yardage record. His knee was absolutely
shredded last December 24th. Less than 9 months later, he was the
third-highest RB scorer in week 1, and has topped the leader board all year. This,
despite having Minnesota’s 32nd ranked pass offense (not) taking the
attention away from him. He ran for 212 yards and a touchdown on Sunday, less
than a year removed from shredding his knee. He is going to break the rushing
record, one year and six days after shredding his knee. Adrian. Peterson.
Nutcrackers
Wow, did some dudes come up small this week.